Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
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Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Pickled cat.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see