Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
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Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
#SuperBowl
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.