before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin