FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
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If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth