people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
The booster protects against what, now?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?