One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
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[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.