ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
👾👾👾
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that