I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Just ordered me some pizza!
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
WHO DID THIS?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.