broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*