why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
do what now??
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
welcome back
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go