If you love someone, let them tweet.
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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Meanwhile in Portland…
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE