2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
You Might Also Like
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
This could be us… but you playing
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine