‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
You Might Also Like
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
There’s only one good girl here!
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect