tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
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Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.