Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My typo game is string.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[montage of me giving-up]
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
seems fine
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.