if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
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Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I love you to the refrigerator and back
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo