me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”