escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”