therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
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I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
#NoRestForTheWicked
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages