*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
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Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.