There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
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Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.