PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
You Might Also Like
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it