On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
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[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.