Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Happy weekend !
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*