BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
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My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.