If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
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Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.