I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
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*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.