[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
This is what makes twitter great
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.