An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
“you changed” bro i was 15
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler