The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
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He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no