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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
NASA has no chill
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes