Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
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Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.