If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
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I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops