My chiropractor is a crack addict.
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my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.