imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
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Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Everything reminds me of my ex
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed