ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
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Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Always
how to market bottled water to dads
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training