My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
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I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.