[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.