Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
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I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..