doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
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I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy