“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
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My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.