I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”