No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three