Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
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Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
me doing my best
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.