Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
You Might Also Like
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I like crazy people until they notice me
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.