Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
You Might Also Like
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early