If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
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“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Noah
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
They did not think through this water fountain
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2