*exercises sarcastically*
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The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns