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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.