[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
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*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth